You'd Never Know
First, I have to say that I think this is an AMAZING site! Now...on with my story.
I'm a very straightforward person ... so that's how I'm going to write my story - short, sweet and to the point.
I first realized I was depressed when I was about 8 years old. I've written in journals all my life and one day started reading some journals from when I was about 8. I was constantly writing about wanting to die. I wanted to kill myself ... or I wanted someone else to kill me. It didn't matter how I went, I just didn't want to live. At that time though, no one would have even guessed that I had such thoughts because I was involved in everything and loved by everyone.
Now fast-forward about 15 years. Here I was, involved in everything and still loved by many. I was very active in my sorority, recently engaged, working and just having a great time. Then there was a tragedy which made me spiral out of control. Before this tragedy I knew I was never really in control. I was always in a limbo ... as long as I ate right and worked out and kept busy my depressive nature went unrecognized even by me. So...this tragedy. Unfortunately there were victims of depression and they were gone ... all of a sudden I didn't have a desire for anything. I didn't want to eat, sleep, go to school, work, plan my wedding ... nothing. I just couldn't focus on anything because it all seemed pointless. I kept thinking that we were eventually all going to die so what was the point of all this? I started going to counseling. I was doing better but then something else set it off. I now started planning suicide. The only thing keeping me from it was that my fiancé made me promise not to ... and I never break my promises. Some days I couldn't get out of bed but even when I could, I was a zombie on the inside. It's so easy to fake happiness ... I'd been doing it for YEARS so this was no different. Now, I'm on meds and am doing better. I cherish every living breath because I worked so hard to keep it!
Why do I tell this to you in the short version? In the version without much emotion...just fact? Because I want to address something that many people struggle with ... those with depression and those who are close to them. Just because it seems they have "no reason" to be depressed doesn't mean they aren't and can't be. My largest struggle was overcoming the fact that I was being illogical. Like I said, I was engaged and active in my sorority and around positive people at work and my family love me ... yet I was still depressed. Once I accepted the fact that logic does not govern our emotions, I started doing much better.
Today I still struggle everyday but not like I did in the past. I now struggle with accepting that I am mad about something, not knowing why, figuring it out and then addressing it rather than just blowing it off. Today I simply struggle with accepting me ... all of me ... the good, the bad and the ugly. And finally, I struggle with not laughing everything off but allowing myself to cry. One thing I appreciate is that I can feel. For years I didn't feel anything because I simply ignored it all. Now, I feel and it's amazing! So don't ignore your feelings - logical or not - don't hide behind a smile - it's the loneliest place of all - and don't think you are alone! There are SO many of us that struggle everyday with depression ... it may be for a moment or for a lifetime but we all struggle with it. With Love and Understanding, me.
